Should You Have Sex When You're Not In The Mood?

It’s nearly bedtime. You’re wearing your PJs. 

It’s nice and warm and you’re cuddling up to your partner – you’re thinking about watching a little bit of Netflix before you fall asleep. And then your partner suggests sex. It’s not that you don’t want to, it’s just that you’re really comfy right now, and you have to get up in seven hours, and, well, it all seems like a bit of a faff. It’s a situation that a lot of couples will find familiar. But, according to expert Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counselor whose Ted talk has been viewed almost 3.5 million times online, giving in to your ‘not tonight thanks darling’ instincts could be a bad thing for your relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis, who works as a ‘divorce busting’ relationships coach explained that having sex when you’re not fully in the mood can enable you to shag your way out of trouble. ‘Have more sex to make your relationship happier and longer lasting’ sounds like a very over-promisey self help book. But according to Michele, it can really work. We should say, in no way do I, Metro.co.uk or Michele condone having sex when you really don’t want to. Sex should always, always, always be consensual. No-one else should ever push you to have sex if you’re not in the mood to. But, just like going for a run or cooking a healthy meal, there are things which we have to make ourselves do, which in the long-term make us happier and healthier.

Could sex be one of those things? In my experience, yes. I try not to say no to sex when it’s initiated (by my husband, not by strangers) if my response if ambivalent.

If I could take it or leave it, I have a policy of always going for the ‘take it’ option. I figure that I’ll never regret it, we can always stop if it’s not working, and it’s an important part of our intimacy. Friends of mine are brilliant about going to the gym when they’ve had a long day at work, or doing a big food shop. I’m useless at those things, but I do have a serious dedication to my sex life, and I think it’s one of the reasons that after almost five years together my husband and I still have a happy, healthy and frequent sex life. Of course you should never force yourself into having sex if you one hundred percent don’t feel like it, but just like going to the gym, when you actually get down to it it’s enjoyable. It’s not just about saying yes when you’d rather say no, though. As Michele explains, it’s about how you say no. She claims: ‘It helps to not just say no. Instead, explain why you don’t want to make love, suggest a later date and ask whether there’s something you can do for your spouse right now instead. 

The ideal situation would be that you and your partner both feel like bonking all the time. Is there any way of making that happen? Sexpert Annabelle Knight told Metro.co.uk: ‘There are lots of things you can do to help increase your libido such as taking care of your diet, exercising regularly and making time for romantic date nights. ‘One thing that couples fail to realise is that the act of sex itself increases your libido so the trick to having more sex is to have more sex! Climaxing releases feelgood chemicals such as serotonin and oxytocin which help to make you feel sexy, so regular orgasms help to naturally increase your sex drive.’ Treating sex like going to the gym or hoovering your living room might not sound very sexy, but we all know what a great feeling of satisfaction those activities give you, even if you didn’t feel like them to start with. In an ideal world, sex would always be like it is in the first few weeks and months of your relationship. You’d madly jump on each other every second of the day and be constantly powered by lust. Sadly, that just isn’t always the case. Sometimes it will take effort. But, as Annabelle explains, the more sex you have the more sex you want, so if you make the effort now, you might just find that in future you really don’t need to.